Another fascinating intellectual discussion by the LP4…

The following is from a series of e-mails today exemplifying the depths of the intellectual juggernaut that is the Linus Pauling Quartet. Years from now this will be studied much as the works of Wittgenstein are today.

Ramon:

Linus has no songs about swords. We need to fix this!!!! See…http://www.swordmetal.com/codes.php

Swordmetal is metal that doesn’t suck and meets the following requirements. There must be guitar solos, preferably long awesome ones. The songs must be about: Swords, Battles, Fighting, Dragons, Wizards, Demons, Knights, Kings, Magic, Sorcery, Hellfire, Steel, Metal, War, Killing Servants, Storms, Lightning, Drinking Ale, Spilling Blood, Hammers, things like this. The most important requirement to turn an ordinary song into a sword metal masterpiece is that it has to sound EPIC! The type of song you would want to listen to if you were running across a battlefield swinging your warhammer, or standing face to face with a huge dragon about to gouge its eye out with your torch.

Linus Songwriters! Make it work.

Clinton:

Just to be clear, “Mournbong” is a play on Mournblade, the famous twin sword of Stormbringer used by Elric in Michael Moorcock’s Elric saga. While Mournbong is, strictly speaking, not a sword, it certainly is a taker of souls, bringer of doom, and spewer of hellfire. Its twin bong, Stonebringer, may have fallen into the abyss (for now) but as you all know, the Apocalypse is prophecied to occur when one man wields both bongs at the same time.
I would definitely consider “Mournbong” to be a Sword song, based on the criteria provided. Since “Switzer” mention’s Hell’ Demonic Choir, it certainly has potential as well. We make oblique references to raping and pillaging in the Linus theme. And all of these songs have plenty of guitar solos.
I am mentioning these things only to demonstrate that Linus is much better prepared to write Sword Metal than most bands, and that, in fact, the entire saga of the Great Singularity falls well within Sword Metal guidelines. The only thing stopping us now is actual swords, or rather the lack thereof, and that can be easily remedied.

Oh and we also have plenty of songs about drinking ale. Maybe *too* many…

Ramon:

I was thinking of it as a challenge for us to actually write a new song. Some utter ridiculous thing about some ancient Geat warrior and his demon blade or some such D&D nonsense.

Charlie:

Maybe we could write one about Clinton picking up his mighty sword to smite a mythical beast from the past that returns to wreak havoc once again… we could call it “Smiting the Benatar” and quote “Shadows of the Night” in the middle section…

Ramon:

Poser. You are not sword metal!

Charlie:

No no no… I”m really more “Sword Easy Listening” or “Sword Lite-Pop”… I like to make toes tap, put a soft sort of non-committal half-grin on people’s faces, and provide melodies they may or may not remember for the rest of the whole goddamn day…

Ramon:

Back to the sodden home from which ye came, Unferth! The thanes will not stand such unmetal chatter.

Charlie:

Suit up, foul mouth-breather, and face the wrath of the mighty Benatar! Half comely lass of human ancestry, half bellowing bull with a penis of steel! Ye shall meet your fate, and it shall be piteous! Hell is for children AND sword metal nerds!!

Ramon:

I shall defeat you and bring back thine arm back to the great hall as proof to my liege of your defeat. The hall will burst with both mirth and mead! Death to metal posers!

Charlie:

Damn.. thou hast dissed me! En garde!

Ramon:

Wednesday at 8:30 pm I shall see thee on the field of battle. Odin shall ride with me to thine defeat or I shall be welcomed to Valhalla with honour!

Charlie:

Aye, you will be welcome to Valhalla, but there will not be the cheap drink specials you yearn for… HAHA!!

Ramon:

Aye!???? Did you say aye? Dude, there are no sword-metal pirates. Try to focus! (Nothing against pirates of course.)

Charlie:

How do YOU know there are no sword metal pirates? I mean, we can probably all agree there are no sword metal astronauts or sword metal traffic cops, but no sword metal pirates? What were the damn Vikings??

Ramon:

Dude Vikings are not Pirates. Pirates are hoods who sail along the warm Caribbean drinking rum. Now while I will admit that’s pretty frikkin cool, Vikings come from the Dark and frigid coasts of Scandinavia where they would probably kick anyone’s ass just because there is nothing else to do but kick someone’s ass when you come from the dark and frigid coasts of Scandinavia. If a pirate dies, he doesn’t get to go to Valhalla he goes to Davy Jones’ Locker. A hall of mead drinking warriors is cooler than any locker I saw in high school. But most important of all for the sword metal tradition – while Pirates probably would get hotter chicks they were also a lot gayer.

Clinton:

I would only partly disagree: though Vikings engaged in behaviour that was undeniably piratical (such as sailing into France or England, carrying off women and food and gold, etc.), and therefore should be considered pirates, they are a special sub-class of pirates. Pirates, I don’t think, are worthy alone of Sword Metal, whereas Vikings clearly are.

I challenge each of you to come up with your Icelandic Saga name by the end of this day, and you will henceforth refer to me as Clinton “Helmsplitter” Heider.

Charlie:

I feel I would be remiss if I did not point at this time that Sword Metal guys are about as gay as you can get… now, this would be where there would exist a splinter between Vikings and Sword Metal guys… Vikings are not gay, never were, never will be.. but sword metal guys wear leather thongs and have enormously phallic battleswords and such… I mean, come on…

Ramon:

Therein lies the irony. Metal dudes are more gay than actual gay guys.

Larry:

“Smite me with your best chop, why don’t you smite me with your best chop, fire awaaaayyyy…”

Clinton

In all truth, if the Benatar returned in her early 80s form, I would probably not smite her, as she was actually kind of hot at that time, in a slutty 80s kind of way.

Ramon:

I’ll admit there is some early Pat stuff that is really cool but I never found her hot. I think she looked too much like an aerobics instructor for my tastes.

Clinton:

And what’s wrong with THAT? Cmon man you know leg warmers turn you on…

Ramon:

I think one viewing of “Let’s get Physical” by that Australian chick is enough to make all men have an irrational fear legwarmers.

Clinton:

I would be more than willing to smite Morrissey, however.

Ramon:

Dude Morrisey would deflect any blows with his incessant whining. To go in close enough to use your sword would be foolish!

Clinton:

You are right; I would have to smite him using some sort of projectile, such as a 50 caliber machine gun, or bazooka.

Larry:

Past the Pub who breaks your body
And the church who’ll snatch your money
The Pirate is dead, boys
And it’s so lonely on a limb–Yarrgh!
Past the Pub who wrecks your body
And the church – all they want is your money
The Pirate is dead, boys
You can trust me, boys
yo ho ho

Clinton:

Hell is for Larry...

Ramon:

Album title!!!!!

Charlie:

OH yeahhhh...

Larry:

No, thanks.