“Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch’intrate.”
For years, literary scholars have misunderstood the meaning of these words. The Linus Pauling Quartet, who have recently returned from a two plus year tour of hell, can shed some light on this misunderstood inscription. Here is an excerpt from their recently published travelogue of their tour.
“11/01/2009 1:02am The “Gate” of Hell and McRib
Damn it, we just reached the entrance! Seriously, this is bullshit – we’ve been in traffic for at least six hours and we JUST NOW reached the entrance? Dunno if we can make this first gig in time. But we’ll see.
I may as well make a note while we’re here about the entrance. First of all, it’s not really a gate. Seriously, I was expecting something grand or even if it were something more modest at least it would look cool but no, it’s just a crappy intersection with the worst timed lights ever. Oh and the fabled “Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch’intrate” sign? Sorry to break it to you, but it’s just a stupid neon sign for a McDonalds that happens to be on some prime real estate. I mean everyone passes through there – it’s right at the entrance so how are you going to miss the big fucking M and a neon sign under it? I guess Dante mistook the giant M for a gate – idiot! Anyhow, Larry just went in to ask for some McRibs and they pointed to the sign. Yeah, that’s right – the sign is lit when they aren’t serving McRibs.
Apparently, McRib is actually the official sandwich of hell and it only found its way into the realm of the living back in 1981 when Satan’s head chef, Rene Arend, asked corporate if they could market it to the living. Anyhow, they took the same marketing scheme they used down here topside and that’s why they put it on the menu and then take it off like assholes. But hey, it’s hell after all and they love fucking with people here. It’s like 24/7 pranking. Dante never got that either. Re-read the Inferno as one giant episode of Punk’d and you’ll get the idea. “Oh man you just transformed me into some gnarled thorny bushes and then had Harpies feed on me? Oh man, You got me – that is so good!”
Anyhow, we’ve got two years here so I’m sure the McRib will be back sometime while on tour. I’ll let ya let ya know how they stack up against the ones from back in Houston when we do.
Over and out.
The LP4
Appropriately, The Linus Pauling Quartet will be performing a ritualistic sacrifice of McRibs at its performance on Saturday December 03, 2011 at Rudyard’s with Defending the Kingdom and Dead Mineral.
Hail Satan!
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