If you ever wondered what the LP4’s idea of a Press Release is, here is what we sent the local press the other day.

What are you planning for Saturday December 3^rd?  Well, fuck if I know but it’s probably bullshit!

…but I’ll tell you what you need to do that night – go to fucking Rudyard’s that’s what! Who is playing you ask?  Goddamn Linus Pauling Quartet, that’s who!  It was going to be an album release for the new album Bag of Hammers on Homeskool Records but then we had that thing with Jeff Beck’s keyboardist, my being utterly beyond fucked up this last summer, and then some asshole stocked the fridge full of shitty light beer and how the hell do you expect any fucking band to finish an album on crappy light beer?  Fuck that!  That’s pussy beer!  So, we did what any other proper fucking rock band did.  We smoked a bunch of dope and said fuck it, let’s not rush this next album and move the release date back to February 2012 because it’s called fucking Bag Of Hammers and we’d better be damn sure that it’s gonna be so ass-melting heavy that it will feel like Mike Tyson wailing on your face for every goddamn second you listen.  So fuck you!  NO, you’re not getting a goddamn album release until we damn well know that it will kill you!  A three week trip to the hospital isn’t good enough; we’re talking stone-cold fucking dead!  That is what Bag of Hammers is going to be – fucking death!  We wanted to play it for Danzig but he began to cry and crapped his pants!  So yeah, just deal!

 

So tell ya what I’m gonna do.  I’m gonna pass you a raw  unmixed and unmastered tosser of “Crom” in the next e-mail.  It’s the lead track from the new album that will be coming out next year.  THIS IS NOT FOR PUBLICATION AND DOING SO WILL CAUSE A CURSE TO BEFALL YOU OF UNSPEAKABLE HORROR! We just want to show you what the hell we’ve been up to since All Things Are Light.  That was four years ago and the last release we had was an anthology of B-Sides and Rarities.  This next album is the real deal – a no pussyfooting ass-whooping Stoner Rock album and this mp3 should give you a taste as to what to expect and since it is not mixed or mastered in any way, it will allow you to live…for now.  When the album comes out in February, then it will be time to meet death in the face but until then this is all you get.

Anyhow, for the show, Defending the Kingdom is gonna play last.  Why would we have them play last when it was going to be our album release?  Well, first off we like to drink after the show. You can’t fucking do that if you are playing last and not only that but fuck all if they don’t fucking kill!  We wanna just drink and rock the fuck out to their shit.  Oh yeah and opening is Dead Mineral.  Why them as openers?  The do a motherfucking Wham cover!  Seriously what the fuck is that?   That takes some serious stones – the kind you gotta respect bro!

Now fuck off and come to our show, preview our show, and lay tribute to our awesomeness!

Sincerely,
The Linus Pauling Quartet