With a mere five weeks from the upcoming “C is for Cthulhu,” our trusty PR agent Nicolas Pan Paniscus has been hard at work churning out press releases. Unfortunately, being a bonobo chimp, most of his press releases read like this:
fdhjospfoj dpo joig099g v8uguog ougoungt uvnun 8089oji gj g ioiooi o eo87g qojeg gpo pokj p[lg ik [wkwpp pe ojep ojkp[g gleglp ekep jupj p tp oj pohp[j go geigj
While we did concede that it was at least more intelligible than a Roger Godell news conference, to us this read as utter gibberish. Thankfully, Larry (well versed linguist that he is) soon recognized it as a long lost strain of an ancient and moribund African language. Larry dutifully translated the text and the result is the first of our weekly press releases that we are sending out to various media folks. Here is what he wrote:
PRESS RELEASE #1
IN WHICH THE LINUS PAULING QUARTET
INTRODUCES YOU TO
WO-FAT
Website: http://wofat.net/
Newest Album: The Conjuring: http://youtu.be/0yCzN7pPQHE
Yeah, for on Saturday 25th of October of this year, the five members of the Linus Pauling Quartet will pour their latest vat of molten metal over the battlements of Castle Rudyard’s and onto the unsuspecting crowd clamoring up its walls. Normally, we would tell you tales of these five valiant warriors. We could discuss, for example, the episode where Clinton Heider – renowned for his 10d6 soloing attack when he brandishes his double neck – almost perished at the hands of an antediluvian DEC 10000 AXP; ancient though the beast was, it managed to survive these years in its cold, dark chamber on the fumes of its own OpenVMS AXP. But that tale is for another press release….
This week, we instead wish to shed some light upon another group of manly men, trudging from the North Country to our humid Lowlands. Yeah , for when the Linus Pauling Quartet sought aid in the forthcoming battle, they sought the aid of only the most mighty and wise of the Stoner Rock wizards – the trio often spoken of only in whispers of “Wo Fat.” It was not easy to reach these men, for these masters lived in a land they call Dallas which lay many miles away along the way of the 45th. Yet, on his mighty steed Falcor did young Charlie Ebersbaker ride to Dallas – past many a truck stop and strip club – and return in a fortnight with news that the trio had agreed to assist the LP4 and aid would soon come.
But who are these Wizards? While little is known we will try to divulge what we can. Kent Stump is the master in the ways of the 6-string, his vocal chants call up the dark spirits of the blackest of dirty sludgy metal. As dark and malevolent as his riffs may seem, have no doubt, for his licks speak of true virtue. Maidens swoon, villains cower, and the gods of metal weep when he strikes. Tim “The Enchanter” Wilson is no less a wizard to be trifled with for his incursions into the low spectral arts has been known to cut through even the thickest defenses. It is a known fact that mount Kovddoskaisi formed when a foolish Finnish farmer, dared mock his 4 stringed staff after Tim saved him from a flood that had overtaken the valley. Taken aback by the farmer’s insolence and ingratitude, he rang one note and in an instant the mountain burst from the ground with a force that sent the farmer’s cottage, his livestock, and his family into the Barents Sea. Never should one cross those who deal in the Low metal arts. The last wizard, Michael Walter, commands the elements with the two wands he wields. His ritualistic pounding brings forth lightning, fire, wind, and water that emanates from his pores and into his drums. Armies have fallen, beasts torn asunder, and ziggurats have toppled at even his most subtle of beats. Make no mistake, if you worship at the feet of false metal, only ashes will remain should you be so unlucky as to cross their path but if ye be man or woman who worships truly at the altar of metal, these wizards, nay GODS of Stoner Rock will bring you the fabled Rock you seek.
If ye be true to metal, then come see them as they open for the Linus Pauling Quartet on 25 October.
