As we get ready to play SXSW [Did we mention that we’re playing a showcase at The Parish Underground on Friday, March 15 at 9PM?], we figured we’d maybe offer some help to you folks coming from outside Texas. It’s a big state and pretty varied so its hard to make generalities but we can’t see any harm in perhaps giving you a list of ten pointers on Texans and suggestions that you may or may not find useful while traveling to our fair capital.
Rick Perry. Let’s get this out of the way right now. He sucks and it’s no secret that our governor is a sad sack of steaming, slug-infested shit with bad hair and a suit. Look, we tried to get rid of him but you guys picked-up on this tactic pretty fast after we dumped George W. Bush on you last time around. At least with Georgie, you got the impression that he was just some poor schlub who got the easy job of just minding his dad’s store then found himself completely out of his league and burning down the place. He may have been a terrible fuck-up of a president but at least you get the impression he may be a decent human being on a personal level who likely meant well.
Now Rick Perry? That guy is a different story. That whole secession shit? Don’t get me started. That may play to some idiots but many Texans remember with pride how Sam Houston gave up the office of Governor and told the Confederacy to shove secession as far up their asses as they possibly could. But not even conservatives I know think they guy is likable, genuine, or earnest in the slightest. Despite this, he keeps winning elections. Why? Well I’ve speculated for years that his reign is akin to some “They Live” scenario where he’s an alien using mind control for the sole purpose of simply making a fast buck. While I still believe the slimy money-grubbing alien part, reality is that there is no mind control at play but the sad fact that the opposition is somehow stupider than Perry. It’s like watching Manute Bol challenge Danny DeVito to a height contest and lose! Like, all he has to do is fucking show up, yet somehow DeVito ends up winning! How?!! I don’t know! You have to ask the Democrat leaders but I hope at least it’s because Perry has pictures of them snorting coke and going down on a horse in Tijuana because that would be about the only thing that could explain being such utter fuck-ups. The point of this is go ahead, make fun of us! Show no mercy because we deserve it. Also, if you see Rick Perry in Austin, kick him in the nuts. If he stands stoically without so much as a flinch, call FBI agents Muller and Scully immediately and tell them the I was right!
- “Y’all” is awesome! Use it! Let’s face it, English is cool and all but the second person plural is sorely lacking. If you speak Italian, for example, you don’t simply reapply “tu” if you are addressing a group, you use “Voi.” Other languages have a distinct word for this as well but not English so people in some places create phrases like “you guys” or “you all” to amend the language. Y’all accomplishes this simply, beautifully, and efficiently so use it while you’re here.
ADVANCED USAGE BONUS: if you are addressing distinct groups, you can combine them all by using “all y’all”.
- “Fixin’ Ta” is also awesome! Texans are never “about to do something” we are “Fixin’ Ta.” Why, you ask? Look at it this way. Let’s say your boss asks you if you got around to doing that thing you were supposed to do that morning. Now, you and I know you are a procrastinating summofabitch but what do you say? “Oh, I was just about to do that.” No dumbass! If you say that, the message is clear; you are a lazy shiftless bastard draining the company’s payroll. But see, Texans never say that. No, we’d look ’em straight in the eye and say “I’m fixin’ ta.” See how that sounds? The meaning is the same but what does your boss hear? That you’re a lazy bastard? NO WAY! SHIT IS GETTING FIXED! You’re not goofing off; you’re doing prep work. How can you do anything without a little prep work? As Scrooge McDuck would say, that’s not working harder, that’s working smarter.
Drinking Ziegenbock anywhere in Texas is high treason! If these shmucks can pass this off as a Bock Beer to people (it’s not according to the BJCP standards), then they can market anything. Don’t be fooled by this vile devil’s brew, it’s a poseur Texas craft beer made in the Houston Anheuser-Busch plant and created by that vilest of vile multinational corporations, InBev! Commonly known as Anheuser-Busch in the States, this Belgian-Brazilian corporation has done everything in its power to jack with the smaller craft brewers we love so dearly in our state. Don’t believe me? Consider the humble case of HB 602 which would allow microbreweries to sell beer direct during brewery tours. INBev fought this! Why? Because they suck ass and they have the money and time to do whatever the fuck they want. Texas liquor laws are already a big clusterfuck as they are and INBev appears to like it that way. Fuck Them! Hell, if you must drink something owned by a large corporation at least drink something like Lone Star or Pearl (which at least have deep roots in Texas) and are cheap trashy beers owned by, I believe, Pabst.
But if you want to drink real Texas Beer? Drink St. Arnold’s or Buffalo Bayou Brewing Company beers from Houston! Drink Alamo beer from San Antonio! Drink No Label from Katy! Drink 512 from Austin! And the granddaddy of all great Texas Beers, Shiner! It’s still family run and great stuff. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.
- Nobody but nobody talks shit about Willie! Texas has a lot of great musicians and one could filibuster the senate floor successfully and still not get through the entire list but only one has been canonized while still alive as an embodiment of all that is awesome about Texas – Willie Nelson. In fact, a little known provision in the Texas constitution requires all Texans to “own a copy of ‘Red Headed Stranger’ and be at the ready with a copy of ‘Stardust’ should that copy be scratched.'” The point is you can be sure we’ll fight ya if you talk shit about Roky Ericson, Daniel Johnston, ZZ Top, UGK, and a lot of other artists we hold dear but talk shit about Willie and that cuts us deep. Hell, that’s so wrong that we won’t even fight you. The room will simply go silent and all heads will turn with saddened, contempt-filled hearts as an armed force of Texas Rangers stoically escort you out to the nearest state line.
- Keep Austin Weird. No Don’t! First of all, I have nothing but love for our fine friends up in Austin but even they know how cringe-worthy this slogan is. Yet, somehow, there is always some clueless tourist that wears a shirt proclaiming this slogan. Look, ages ago I lived there for a short time and Clinton lived there for quite a few years as an undergraduate at UT and you could say that Austin was weird back then but, funny enough, nobody ever did. Then came the big tech boom and all these people discovering this lovely little city. Of course, as more people moved in, the more of a huge metropolis it became. So much so, that I recall going up what used to be a two lane road once and suddenly being shocked to realize that it had turned into a massive highway. A friend of mine was mocking Houston’s sprawl and, because I had been out of the lobster pot enough to notice the changes, I just looked at him and said “Don’t worry dude, you’ll be living in Houston soon enough.” Now the point of all this is not to put down Austin but that the whole Keep Austin Weird thing was already dead and cringe worthy when it started. It was started by a business alliance and eventually trademarked by some company to sell t-shirts to drunk tourists. Don’t encourage these folks! Just don’t!
- Texas Barbecue! You’re in Texas so eat like a Texan! One thing we love is Barbecue and not that vinegar style stuff you guys do out East. That stuff is good but even though they are both called Barbecue we’re talking apples and oranges here! Texas barbecue is all about smoke! Mesquite smoke to be exact! It’s stuff that grows like weeds in Texas and ranchers consider them a nuisance but the rest of us love the stuff. Drop that down your gullet with some onions and jalapenos on top, maybe some potato salad on the side and a good Texas Beer (see above) and you will leave a convert.
- Tex Mex! The other staple of Texas Cuisine is Tex-Mex. Immortalized In ZZ Top’s Tres Hombres, this is not Mexican cuisine, this is Tex-Mex! A weird hybrid I once read somewhere as being best defined as “lacking any fucking Vegetables” and if you can still find places serving up the old stuff that’s actually pretty close to being true. Houston’s El Real is pretty much in this old lard and cheese dripping tradition and all I remember was it being so rich that me and my girlfriend at the time just went over to the Menil park, laid out a blanket, and took a nap. That’s becasue if you eat that old style stuff, your body simply shuts down. Point is if you can find it, it’s worth doing at least once, just don’t do it on a day where you don’t plan on hibernating. Probably good for that last day at SXSW where you just need to recuperate.
- Geography! So you are at SXSW and you find yourself in crowded clubs with a mass of humanity. At some point you are going to need a break and Austin is right near some neat places to visit. Grab a car and…I dunno…hit McKinney Falls or drive a ways to climb up Enchanted Rock. I’ve got nothing funny to add here aside from the fact that nature is kind of cool.
- Coke, please. What Kind? Honestly, this last one perplexes me but it’s true. If you want a soda or pop in Texas, you ask for a Coke. I can’t explain it but somehow the species has come to mean the genus in Texas when it comes to sugary drinks. Just go with it.
Ultimately, when ya come visit, just know that Texas is more than just cowboys. Mission Control? Texas! Buckminster Fullerines? Texas! Psychedelic Rock? Texas! Terrence Makick, Wes Anderson, Tex Avery, Richard Linklater, Gene Roddenberry.. all Texans! Hell, Conan the Barbarian is from Texas or at least Robert E. Howard was! ’nuff said right there!
See you in Austin next month.
